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Should I buy a Nintendo Wii?

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

This is a public service announcement for all the people out there pondering such a question.

The Wii is for the most part, a piece of shit.  Don’t be fooled by the innocent inanimate, white plastic demeanour. Like a good cup of coffee, it brings a sphinctorial thunderstorm upon us all.

Admitably, there are a few diamonds for it, but most of the time you’ll find yourself being ripped off / disappointed, should you dare take a look at the latest releases and reviews. Another week, another wave of mediocre games and worse still, “Exploitware”.

Exploitware: half-baked games created by a (smart) companies looking to make a fast buck by baiting fools, dipshits and non-discerning-buyers-with-more-faith-than-they-should (suckers) into buying a game based on cover art and promises of rarely working novelty mechanics. 

I’ve stood next to these people at the Wii shelves, buying, based purely on cover. Cynic I may be – I believe that as the welcome mat to the world of gaming that it has become, the Wii rapes and pillages gaming virgins in such a manner that it very likely that many will never come back. More often than not, further investigations lead to the revelation that these pieces of luxuriously described software, garner savage, critical ratings of 3-6 /10.

Even for the gamers, the festering embarassment of owning such a limp console will be barely pacified by the distant promise of a new Mario game. New Wii Buyers take note: When you arrive home, you will discover an italian plumbers feces (not yours) covered fist has taken residence in your anus. This is nothing to be afraid of, it’s just your Wii Owners Club membership card. You’re trapped, like the rest of us. Many times you will ponder selling the offending item on Ebay, only to recant, based on the fact that in a year or so the fist will momentarily retract, reach around and begin providing some genuine reciprocation. Soon enough, it’ll be back, behind, though.

There are cheaper alternatives out there

Consequently, your Wii will resume its primary function, as a four dimensional dust storage surface – travelling through space and time with you to archive only the most important airborne matter. At this task it is tremendous. It’s white, afterall. White is the most forgiving of all colours. If you don’t believe me, jizz on your Wii.  Jizz on your parents Wii, they will never notice!

My Semen Covered Wii

So, in summary, if you like getting ripped off or jizzing on things, undetected.  The Wii is for you.   Also, a special mention to all the lazy, overweight people who don’t have the heart to just get on a treadmill like the rest of us.  The Wii is for you!  It’ll make you feel like you’ve really staved off that “little voice in the head” for at least a month!

Beware of the new range of colours. Semen will be detected.