Slow down there, partner

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A few posts ago, I discussed the exciting and challenging sport of attempting to reach google for amusing searchterms. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, I simply gushed with enthusiasm, fueled by pride of being on the map for incestiological searching.

Logging in today, I feel my committment waiver significantly, when I see this incoming search term:

I don’t know what sort of twisted individual searches for such evilocity, but I’m pretty sure I want no part being a destination for that type of thing*

So, just to be clear, if you are genuinely coming here for such a combination, die in a housefire.  A really big one.

*(Mostly for legal reasons, of course).

Open Mic Failings

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I did a few open mic standups a year or two ago.  It was the toughest thing I have ever done and definitely overall, a positive experience.   I wasn’t very good, though.  I put it down to these reasons.

1. I wasn’t funny.  (I was funny to myself, of course).

2.  I was far too wordy for what is a room full of (sometimes full – that is) people who are there to drink and mostly view amateur comedianocity as a distraction.  Quick fire, simple stuff works well in this arena.  Once you lose them, you’re gone -  so you better check your agenda at the door if you’re playing for yourself (particularly early on when you can’t freestyle it to get back on the audience’s side).

3.  To say I come off as unlikeable is an understatement.  Not really my forte, as the other posts here will testify.  I don’t really have the sense of humour “of the people”.   I don’t think I even tried to paint myself in a self deprecating light, which is another way of letting the audience know you’re one of them.

4.  I had a poor attitude to the whole affair.  It is easy now to look back and have perspective – and I’m sure I’d be worlds better prepared for doing it now, of course.  Back then, revelations were difficult to be had.

Towards the end I began to adapt to the situation,  I started recognising that the more simplistic commentary I made was much better received and I came out of a few feeling a whole lot better about the job.

I just didn’t feel like it was as much fun.  So, I stopped.

Anyway, here is a semi-random sample of the type of stuff I would say.  It isn’t all that funny, it’s mostly juvenile and “funny” if you think saying stuff like this to a pack of unsuspecting patrons is amusing.  I did. I still do.  I’ve always been a fan of the savage burn.  That one person who didn’t know that things were really going to go to the gutter.

The other day I was reading about the guy who owns satan.com

Imagine the possibilities of owning that address. You could really wield a lot of influence.

Todays News: Lucifer decrees “all female virgins must have their innards cleansed by the throbbing rod of excelsior. You will find this rod attached to the crotch of my webmaster. See google earth map below for directions. Bring refreshments.

Few people consider this, but ever considered the possibility that satan could win?  Wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth?. Think of all that anal exploration you abstained from because of that bad tip you got from the bible.  What a waste of a perfectly willing sphincter.

This mostly went down okay.  You start talking about anal exploration and sphincters and it generally works.  I know, right?, I’m portraying myself as an “artist”, looking to be “wordy” and “complex” and then revealing that my complex diatribe is once again, regarding your shithole.

Stay Classy.

Tango

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It’s always been a curiosity of mine that during pre fight interviews, both fighters will often indicate in fairly raw terms that they will most definitely be smashing the face in of their opponent.  Hah!, one of them is going home with a fat “I told you so”.  Forget concussion and black eyes,  “I told you so” is the apex of brainiological destruction, 10 times the power of a “your mother” joke and known to incite violence with stunning accuracy in german laboratory testing.

Now, I understand that there are a large percentage of listeners who will actually respond at the hip pocket to this posturing but really, what type of fool cares for such empty words?  There is a logical fallacy in effect.  Get to the skullcrushing, I say.  The loser through a black hole, the winner gets to eat the losers children.

Just an idea.

Wouldn’t television be terribly more trashy (interesting) applying this type of logic?

The Richard Jones extreme dating show gives up any facade of class.. true, uncensored behaviour, we will no longer hide behind subtlety.

Cut to pre first date interviews..

“So how do you think the date will go?”

The guy: “I’m getting my dick sucked tonight ”

His 36 year old leathery, bleach blonde regrowth toting, smoked out target: “He’s going to be on his best behaviour, say all the right things, kiss me softly goodnight and then accept the offer to come in for *cough* coffee and drill me poon all night long”.

That’s television folks.  Reality TV.  Let’s watch a couple of people exchange six words and get smashed enough to taxi it back to the closest poundstation for some sloppy, “romance”.

It’s all in the casting – we’ve got to find people like a guy (a legend of some repute) I used to live with

He would always give the best post date interviews, the type of interviews that would have kept these shows on air.  Within 5 minutes of being in his presence, unprompted, he would describe in intimate detail the size, geometry and tension of any vagina he’d terrorised the night before.

I know that sounds kind of like the words of a bastard -  but it was actually very tastefully done.

Some of the most spiritual discussions I’ve ever had.

Further Adventures Googling

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Yesterday’s journey into the underworld search territory got me thinking.

If it appeals to me to be linked on google for strange (yet amusing) search terms, why not compound this by attempting to make a game of it? A big bathtub of manjunk with rubber duck to end all rubber dicks (see below for contextual elaboration).  That’s why.

This is a difficult task – To discover such obscure factoidial information (or facts for short) such as you’re one of the top sites on the internet for advice on dating your brother – you’ve got to find someone both doing it AND looking for techniques or advice.  Not an easy prospect.

An example of something similar:

Once upon a time, I went a’googlewhacking, long before this was a lot more popular (I feel it is necessary to make such a claim – in that my ego is directly correlated with “how long I’ve been involved with stuff as compared to others”), the general premise being to find combinations of two words that produce one and one only search result on google.  I’m guessing that search engine spidering of googlewhack pages is deactivated.  After all, one more page mentioning these combinations of words and it’s no longer a whack – it’s the best way to fist your sausagedog.

Googlewhacking is several thousand percent more pointless and geeky than my suggestion.  I’m not saying you’re going to get blown for being incest’s number one online source or anything, I’m just pointing out, it’ll give you that “in” you’ve been looking for.  You’re right next door.  Make a move.

On to the particulars:

Using a blog, attempt to garner the most ridiculous “niche” incoming search terms.  This will create amusement and pride.  Post site stat screenshots and the actual incoming link URL (the url that the search term came from).

Fastest Rocket Propulsion

Note, savvy researchers will .. note that I never mentioned anything remotely related to incestual activity on my blog prior to becoming a top site.  It was actually google taking (notes) keywords from blog posts and making this strange link.  Remember, you’re not trying to trick google into putting you high up for a plain text sentence (I think you’ll find tricking google is an entirely other type of evil), you’re just seeing what happens when a machine attempts to make complex decisions requiring ideally, a modicum of humanity.  It’s pretty hard to fake when that search term deliverance came from words plucked seemingly at random.

Really, more than anything – be impeccably irrelevent, foul-mouthed (if you are easily amused by vulgarity) and creative with what you talk about.  I’ve seen bigger truncheons on hilly mountains.  If you’re somewhat of a lunatic like I am, more than likely, you need not bother forcing it.  It’ll come by sheer virtue of your general inanity.

Anyhow, summarising, go forth and….

“GWIDDICULE”

Find unexpected, amusing, out of context google searchterms linking to your blog.