Richjones.com

The “Sliding Premise”

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

As far as journalistic scummery goes, this is the foremost tactic of weak.   More subversive than the cherished outright fabrication, rampant in the tabloids, the “reputable” publishers are often caught publishing bait-and-recant sliding premise pieces.   You know, the ones where you realise half-way through that you’ve been duped into reading increasingly empty bullshit.  A polished, translucent turd.  All show and no go.

It’s all so easy.

Begin with a title.  The title is your peak in your allowable ridiculousness.  Use this weapon unwisely.  Be racist, sexist, inflammatory.. anything – just make sure you’re suggestively inciting enough misinterpretation that it will be necessary for the discerning reader to investigate further.  In this wonderful age, you’re probably working for an electronic based media and thusly ad impressions are king.  Just get them to the site.  Take no prisoners in this pursuit.  Inaccuracy is your friend – afterall, few can resist such scandalous practice.  Remember, you have artistic license to slander anything, as long as you sufficiently “take it back” in the actual article text you’re fine.  You will be forgiven.

Oh for the days of hanging shitheads by the testes for making one comment out of line – nowadays it’s our nature to investigate further, to get our facts right.  What a shame that the soulless exploit this generosity on our part.  You know you’re dealing with a shitty outfit when they’re obsessed with pimping out their titles to get you to read.  “Cuntpunching:  The new sensation”.  Don’t bother clicking on it – it’s probably more whiny rhetoric about families worse off after the credit crunch.

Me, I prefer to end with the burn.  Meander in some mildly curious musing and then when the trust is sufficiently locked in, hit with the gutter speak.  I always admired that type of savagery.  Sucker you in with fair conduct, get you nicely warm and secure and then strike!  Be comfortable with degrading the legitimacy.  Rather than attention seeking with brash inaccuracy and then spending your next 500 words apologising for being such a whore, bore the shit out of your reader and then stab your literary proboscus in for a well earned sneak attack.  Victory!

Hypothetical Situation

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Ladies….

Picture this.

You’ve been searching the sea of intimacy for quite some time, floating whimsically along the flows of the estro-tide, occasionally washing upon a shore. Basking upon many a beach, if only for a few short moments.

One day, you come across an island that resonates at just the right frequency, you can feel the connection, you realise you’d like to spend more than a little time here  – who knows, you may never leave.

All too soon you and your island are becoming one.  You tell him he’s fantastic, he’s the rock you want to stay on.  You spend hours upon hours, with him, dancing his shore, enjoying his company, reveling in those infectious early days.  Cloud nine?  More like cloud eleven!  Everything here seems so tranquil.  So perfect.

Now you’re in deep.. and let’s face it.. he’s in deeper.  Deep enough that you’d like to take this residency to the next level.  You’ve got to prove your love!  So you paddle out to sea in search of the right way to express your feelings.  A princely gift for a king of kings!  Finally, after a brutally savage 24 hour journey away from your faithful rock, you find the perfect way to express your true feelings.

There it is, in the distance…

Standing 5 and half inches erect (facing due south), the perfect way to say “I love you, Mr Rock”.   Of course, it’s all so obvious now! -  someone else’s throbbing cumtrumpet!  Eagerly you swim over, wrapping your lips around this beast, taming it with your mouth .  Yes!.  The perfect gift!  This will cement my place at his side!  He’ll be foaming at the mouth with delight when he hears about this!

Five glorious minutes later, you begin your trip back to reveal the good news.  All the way, pride and justification flowing with never-seen-before random(super accurate) precision.  You can’t describe why it was so right with English words, it just was.  You realise with self satisfaction that mathematically, the margin of error lies beyond the realm of the nano.  You battle to keep the mouthful of “someone-else’s cum ™ ” from spilling out.  If any should fall out, all that effort will have been for nothing!

Returning, you’re instantly at ease.  You sprint through the shallows and dive back onto your beloved sands.  Taking a moment to (randomise feelings) you release your silken glorious gift upon his mighty shoulders. Surprise!!!!

What a girl.  Boy is he chuffed.  He might just be the chufftest chuffy chuff of them all! Mission accomplished!  Priceless!, he reveals that he loves you twenty times the lovequotient measured before!!!! Success!!!!

Baby, you’re the best.

A different take

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

On account of what I perceive to be a growing level of a negativity (with lashings of vulgar, to hide the average nature of the points being put forth) I present a piece of writing, not of my own.  A piece of quality writing, not requiring the usage of creative descriptions of bowel movement.

I read this quite some time ago, and felt it was poignant enough to save it.  It is by Andrew W.K.  It a fantastic reply to inanity presented by “a fan”, dealt with a measure and poise well above my own.  Someone who shares a similar ideology, without a cynical side that would almost certainly taint a response if I were replying.

ANDREW W.K. recently answered a question via the “Q&A” section of his web site regarding his bathing habits and his seeming insistence on wearing the same t-shirt at every concert. A fan named “Echo” wrote in with the following: “My brother jumped on stage with you in Colorado, and said that you smelled pretty bad! You should consider bathing more often, and how come you don’t change your clothes? Why? Don’t you care about your physical appearance? Do you really attract the girlies? I wouldn’t want to snuggle up to that, but that’s me. You’re like one of those really super intelligent people who have no common sense. Where do you come up with the stuff you talk about? It’s way out there! It doesn’t make sense half of the time. You just ramble on and on about stuff that doesn’t make any sense – kinda manic. Come on, really! I also heard you were a pervert. Is that true?”

In response, Andrew wrote:

“Dear Echo, I don’t believe myself to perverted sexually in anyway. In fact, maybe my only perversion is that I’m not perverted. It seems like it would be fun to have some sort of deviant sexual desire, however I’m pretty limited in my desires, and even more limited in my actions – and that’s fine for me. It gives me more energy to spend on music and other pursuits, other than false reproduction.

Tell your brother I said hello! Was he at the Denver concert? That was an awesome time! It was SO crazy and totally wonderful. I really, really enjoyed it! I hope he did too. So, you asked about me smelling bad etc… well, maybe you can think about it this way: Let’s imagine that your brother had gone to a live NBA basketball game. Let’s say he was watching from the crowd and then all of a sudden in the 4th quarter, he decided to jump onto the court. Let’s say he went right up next to one of the players. My guess is that since that basketball player had been playing all out, and giving his full physical effort for the whole game, he would probably be pretty sweaty. In fact, he would probably be soaked and dripping with sweat. Because of that, he would probably smell pretty strong. Also, I imagine that your brother would then get tackled by security and thrown out of the game – and then he would probably get arrested and taken to jail.

If you ask me, it’s a lot better to jump on our stage and get hugged – even if it’s a sweaty smelly hug. When we play this music, the last thing I’m thinking about is smells. I’m focusing only trying to give all of my effort and to keep all my energy pounding out at full blast. I’m thinking about how hard I can bang on the piano and how loud I can scream. I’m thinking about how much fun we’re all having and how happy I am. I’m not thinking about sweat, or if my clothes are clean and I’m not thinking about ‘attracting the girlies’. I’m trying to make sure that I give my life to the music, right in the moment that it’s pounding out. That’s what this music is about, and that’s what I care about.

I do care about my physical appearance, but I care about a lot of other things more. I like the way I look, but if it suffers from the physical and mental demands of this music, then that’s O.K. with me – there’s a price to pay, I’m willing to sacrifice the way I look or smell. The world is full of very important things to think about and to worry about. For example: a lot of companies can make lots of money if they CAN make people worry about their clothes and their smell. I personally don’t want to worry about those things. I enjoy worrying about a lot of other stuff instead. I do respect your desire to be clean and pretty and I’m sure you are! That’s great for you. You know? It’s important to do what’s important to you.

Regarding your comment that I ‘have no common sense’. It’s hard for me to say, but I do believe that I possess a good amount of common sense. Although it might not make sense to you, most of the writing on this website is based on common sense, universal thought, and undeniable human truths. Here’s an example: someday (any day) we are all going to die. It’s a natural fact of life. In the time we have to live, we can decide what to do and how to feel and what to think about. While we might not be able to control all of our thoughts and emotions, it’s certainly possible to focus on certain personal priorities. Therefore, with our limited time to think, I choose to make worrying about smell, clothes and ‘attracting girlies’ less of a priority than happiness, physical effort, energy expenditure, and confidence of mind. Again, it’s up to each individual to decide what they want to worry about, and I respect the different things people focus on… that’s actually what makes people interesting. If everyone thought the exact same way, it would make life pretty dull.

Think for yourself. Do what matters to you, and allow others the same freedom. FREEDOM: the right to pursue that which brings you happiness, as long as that pursuit does not infringe upon the rights of other to pursue their own happiness. As far as my writing goes, I enjoy rambling and letting my brain go where ever it wants to. That’s the fun thing about thinking: you never know what you’ll think of next! No matter what people tell you think about, it’s still up to you. And no matter people tell me to write, I still get to write what I choose. It’s fun that way! I encourage you, Echo, to allow your brain to think about all kinds of stuff, even if it feels crazy! There is no set order or law in your brain – it’s a free place where you get to think about whatever you want! Enjoy it!”

More writing here

More pseudointellectual bile about pseudointellectuals

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Over the years, it has come to my attention that there exists a subset of society who find it difficult to understand the concept of sport.  Not people who dislike or are disinterested in sport (perfectly understandable).  I’m talking about people who cannot mentally conceive the point of sport or why people are interested in it.

When you do find these people, it will probably be somewhere where they feel comfortable casting quite broad aspersions about people who harbour interest in sport – as if you have to have a sub 100 IQ to be at all interested in such futile exploits.

I’m Sorry….

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Whilst I am considered to be a social miscreant and thus, in the context of this discussion, an opinion all to easily cast aside (as someone who couldn’t comment on custom), I find the usage of “I’m Sorry” in reference to misfortune (particularly death) of a third party to be a gigantic piece of antiquated social custom that should be done away with.   It is largely, a piece of redundant nonsense, parroted by people who cannot find any other words to use in a situation.

Nobody is denying that these situations warrant tact, or that they are difficult to cater a response for, but isn’t it just a bit of a wank to say something so cliche?  I’d rather say nothing or use my grey matter to come up with something a little more engaging, something that made sense.  A hand job would be a fantastic way to convey empathy.

Now, fair is fair, if a reanimated corpse should appear at the door, discretely informing the grieving of his/her guilt regarding their demise (and the negative effect it has had on the people around them).  That, to me would finally give meaning to these words.  A fellow by the name of Jesus did this a couple of thousand years ago, rising up, garbed in a fluffy bunny suit, brandishing a basket filled with consolationary chocolate eggs.  Unfortunately, at this stage the earth had been in existence for some 4 billion years, making him look like a bit of a wally.  There are, afterall, older turds than 6000 years old. Of course, that only proves that God did a shit before getting down to more important business of creation.

Wandering back onto topic, I often see people falling into the habit of prefacing perfectly acceptable statements of opinon with “I’m sorry”.

Again, this is annoying.  Exactly what statement would be “cured” by opening with an apology?

“I’m sorry, every rape victim deserved it”.

Well, clearly that works.   You apologised before making that morose statement – you’re not a complete and utter psychopath.  Judgement retracted.  Support network unnecessary.  Would you like to meet my daughter?  What a pedophillic smile you have, how charming.  Worst case scenario, we feel confident that  should you wish to render your opinion into physical acts, you’ll be sufficiently apologetic to your prey.  So sorry to doubt you.