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Shit Limbo

Posted by admin under Terminology

Shit limbo:

Shit limbo can best be identified as a barrage of periodic gaseous eminations originating from the rear exit port, following a mild to strong discomfort felt in the stomachian area.    Each pain pulse offers renewed neural hope that fecal birth may occur, only to conclude with a deeply unsatisfying pungent breath of minor relief (or fools wind).

This state can last for hours.  Often, the subject may develop desperation enough to carry out a brown stakeout.

A brown stakeout occurs when an individual attempts to preempt a shit limbo “episode” by geographically locating him/herself above a body of water designed to carry away refuse, meeting stomachian distortion with internal muscular pumping, thereby attempting to lure elusive trout hiding below the surface of the anus into migrating towards waters downstream.  This practice is almost 100% unsuccessful.

Eat a dick, hippie.

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

There are some hippie shitheads at my local shopping precinct who consistently set up their solicitation desk, scanning for stoner-sympathiser eyes in such a place that you have zero choice but to in some way be engaged.

What a drag it is to have to radiate a “fuck off, kill a whale, own a gun, etc ” vibes far exceeding that which you truly feel, but necessary to silently convey “leave me alone” to these oblivious, tottering, gimboid, cardigan wearing knobjockeys.   Even overt body language is often not strong enough, such is their arrogance for their happy go lucky sunshine patrol conversation style.

Who wouldn’t wilt?   Me.  I’ve previously lived with stoners for years (and have no big problem with them).  As such, I know that behind all this “Hey man” bullshit is a sincere desire to as swiftly as possible unite us through our mutual love for marijuana or John Butler Trio, hopefully consequently cashing in on this bond, by supporting their (possibly commission based) cause.

Further enraging, is the fact that despite looking unashamedly dirty (and almost always, me too), they have the gall to always gun for idiotic amounts of cash, spurning the spare change, in favour of requesting monthly contributions of $50 from a generally dirty/student constituency.

I’m not heartless or unsympathetic to their cause (or stoners in general) – but there is no way they should be camped in a place where there is no escape.  Bad vibes towards them, not because I disagree with their cause, not because they happen to enjoy smoking grass, but because their brash, classless way of bringing this to my attention sucks.  Especially, when I’m engaged in the rather mindless pursuit of grocery shopping.

Little known fact about zombie movies

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

When writing a zombie movie, It is almost impossible to restrain yourself from indulging the eternal cliche of the moderately important, side character who is generally established by the standup job he or she displays in skullcrushing the undead – only to unfortunately be secretly bitten, inevitably masking this fact, consequently at some stage changing – to the ultimate surprise (and demise) of several less crucial characters.

If you’re looking for tacky – you’re best off going with the jock getting blown in his muscle car (at “Lookout Point”, obviously).   Slutty cheerleader changes mid-mouthsex, leading to the B-Grade fanatic’s dream gore shot,  whereby the manhood is unceremoniously removed, accompanied by sufficiently blood curdling screams.

The jock never makes it any further in the film.  Shame, really.  A cockless zombie sounds like quite the character.

Tip for the day

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

A beret is an unparalleled social validator.

(That you’re a tosser).

Tip for water saving regions

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Find it difficult to conform to the idea of 4 minute showers?

Hire a midget/dwarf/little person to quietly crouch in the corner.

Now it ’s a two person shower.

Thus, doubling your wank window.

Turd Terrorism

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Being a turd terrorist would be a righteous way to live.  If someone pisses you off, you judge them with your feces.

Wife commits adultery?

No problem.

(You’ve kind of been looking forward to this moment).

You say nothing.

The next morning she wakes to the grim realisation that rather than beating her, leaving her or cheating on her – you’ve left a carefully laid, large, mint condition, brown log of reconciliation upon her chest, with a note attached:

“We’re even, honey – however, service any more dick external to this relationship and you’ll wake up to divorce papers and the ultimate, “Exfoliating Mask”.

What a delightfully poetic piece of true justice.  The ability to communicate through anal discharge.

“Let your sphincter do the talking”

Do you communicate with “friends” via website profile comments?

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Do you not find that emphatic, one line inquisitions investigating “how u r” to be weak, useless, diluted human interaction that doesn’t even rate as idle conversation endured (on both sides) with your next checkout clerk?

Of course not! What the hell was I thinking?

Or more the point, why was I thinking?  I should be out partying LOLZORAMATHON!.

AM I RITE?  U SURE R.  U SURE R.

Dear Pube Bandit

Posted by admin under Uncategorized

Who are you, Pube Bandit?

I want to understand your quest.  I need to comprehend your motives.  It would satisfy me considerably to understand what sort of jilted logic flies, up in your crazy cranium when you see one of your guys, nesting upon my royal throne and walk away, oblivious to the psychological destruction you are responsible for.  You are desecrating my cubiclian wonderland.

I know what you’re thinking, Pube Bandit, what you’re really thinking..

“Well, I don’t check”..

What do you mean you “don’t check”?

Personally, I always survey the carnage, post rectological-destruction.  I mean, what if I leave a shitcrumb?  A golden-brown surprise smear for the next visitor?  what an awful human being I would be, if I were not to ensure that the already nightmarish scenario of public toiletry was not minimised, for the mental comfort of those who bravely endure respiration, bathed in a cloud of my excellently intoxicating buttbreath?.

Now, I’m sure I’m not unique in this – I am a fecal philosopher of some self-repute.  An accomplished porcelain-enhanced day dreamer.  Able to be lost in the depths of pixieland, mere moments after dropping my primary cargo.  How can I be expected to contemplate lifes mysteries and how much more entertaining my abstraction of reality is, after having to dust off the remnants your dickbeard?

Survey the carnage, Pube Bandit.   Search and destroy.  I’ve elves to visit and your crabpots are making my skin crawl.