So, when I saw that Kraft had called their new product “iSnack 2.0″ I wasn’t so much surprised, as angry.  Angry that a bunch of beige, creatively barren halfwits sat down in a board room  and actually came to the agreement that this was a good idea.   I immediately wondered what the reaction would be to this.

Well, the public have spoken.

You see, even an idiot can join the dots on this one

Exploitation based on the false logic that prefacing a product with a small “i” and digitising it (giving it an arbitrary version number) will in some way tack their product on to Apple’s success and ride the iSphincter all the way to profitz galore!

Worse still, this name was chosen from tens of thousands of entries in a naming competition.  It isn’t really necessary to single out the douchebag who came up with this name, but I feel certain that this guy is everything that is wrong about Apple zealots.  Apple make great products – but some people take their religious fervour for their favourite brand beyond sanity.  They’re the only type of dipshit that would actually fall for this type of “ruse”.

How many entries for this, I wonder.

The IT industry is full of these swarmy cunts.  Masking zero talent, these technosexuals attempt to hold onto their positions (doing nothing) by embracing all things currently in electovogue.  IT is largely a mystery to the other sectors of an organisation, so these talentless fools can craftily keep their jobs by making out like the ownership and operation of a device such as an iPhone validates their technological credentials.

You see middle-aged businessmen, rapidly being overcome by wave after wave of new technology, forced to reinvent themselves as “a bit of a rogue-maverick of business”, desperately using every opportunity to discuss/exude the latest gossip from the Appstore with any cunt who might listen and potentially enhance their affirmation at a later date.

Anybody who says that the unemployed are bums ought to take a good look at what some of these paperpushing wastes of space get done in a day.

Getting back to Kraft – Maybe I’m a grudge holder, but I don’t applaud a company retracting an obviously bad idea.  I think about all those meetings prior to the launch where every one in that chain of command failed to veto such an idea.  I see this as big business saying to the little man “Fuck you, we’ll treat you like a moron and if you don’t like it, we’ll retract and you’ll have forgotten next week”.  Exploitation of the stupid might be okay in your books, but what you may not realise is that the more bullshit that is allowed to fly in society, the more it will come back full circle to affect YOU.  Stupid people will get in your way all the time, letting companies perpetuate this only contributes to the furtherment of a highly moronic populace.

In years gone by, we’d simply place the heads of the decision makers on stakes outside the palace gates, but in the interests of civilisation I’ll settle for everybody who reads and agrees with me on this to not buy their products for a while.  Don’t reward companies that have zero respect for your intellect.

For most of us out there, this makes him about 5000% funnier.  Some people obviously have to pretend this wasn’t funny and “condemn” him, but they’re tossers and shouldn’t be taken seriously.  I think this sends the right message to kids.   Drink and you might make a bit of a fool of yourself (but it’ll be great television).

It’s a real shame that on the back of this, there has to be an obligatory kneejerk “punishment” doled out (He was removed from the show for the rest of the year).

“A team of electrical engineers led by Hirotaka Sato of the University of California, Berkeley, report the development of an implantable radio-controlled neural stimulating device, with which they demonstrate, for the very first time, the accurate control of flight in freely flying insects”

Right now, they can only control the direction of the beetle and whether it is in flight. But, in my opinion (and keeping with grandiose predictions of flippantly optimistic reporting on technological breakthroughs), it’s only a matter of time before I can buy a tin of remote controllable killer bees.

Videoage..

Only a fool would punch a zombie

I see a lot of fail in this department and really, I can’t think of anything witty to say myself.  When you think about it, wit generally takes more than a maximum of 8 characters.

Moving away from text, which never seems to come out particularly well, I have seen some ok ideas:

Mario Theme

And some bad ones:

But, really, I think that noted 21st Century philosopher Steven “O” said it best, when he tattooed a terribly scathing combination of two words, striking out at all those who believe they can tackle and conquer one of the most difficult prospects in tattooing.

Steve O's Knuckles

Now, it’s one thing to be curious, it’s quite another to be the “Gossip Column” that people are reaching, because of it.  Clearly, I’ve embarrassed myself.

Smerch At His Best

I wouldn’t feel half as bad if people were coming here for news/speculation on Fucking Round Head Karl Pilkington’s net worth.  That would be fine -- as this is almost a scientific curiosity.   Karl is a phenomenal concept. I theorise that Karl is virtually immune to the effects of wealth, which makes these experiments where he receives cash for revealing his prodigious craziness all the more amusing.  My guess is that he’d be a miserable cunt even if he was a billionaire.  Too much hassle.

Karl has always been somewhat muted by the presence of a video camera, but I think we’ve established how to coax out classic Graham (or Brett?).  Put him with Ricky.  Example follows as Karl Pilkington reviews “The Truth About Lying” -- Ricky’s latest movie.

The Wii is for the most part, a piece of shit.  Don’t be fooled by the innocent inanimate, white plastic demeanour. Like a good cup of coffee, it brings a sphinctorial thunderstorm upon us all.

Admitably, there are a few diamonds for it, but most of the time you’ll find yourself being ripped off / disappointed, should you dare take a look at the latest releases and reviews. Another week, another wave of mediocre games and worse still, “Exploitware”.

Exploitware: half-baked games created by a (smart) companies looking to make a fast buck by baiting fools, dipshits and non-discerning-buyers-with-more-faith-than-they-should (suckers) into buying a game based on cover art and promises of rarely working novelty mechanics. 

I’ve stood next to these people at the Wii shelves, buying, based purely on cover. Cynic I may be – I believe that as the welcome mat to the world of gaming that it has become, the Wii rapes and pillages gaming virgins in such a manner that it very likely that many will never come back. More often than not, further investigations lead to the revelation that these pieces of luxuriously described software, garner savage, critical ratings of 3-6 /10.

Even for the gamers, the festering embarassment of owning such a limp console will be barely pacified by the distant promise of a new Mario game. New Wii Buyers take note: When you arrive home, you will discover an italian plumbers feces (not yours) covered fist has taken residence in your anus. This is nothing to be afraid of, it’s just your Wii Owners Club membership card. You’re trapped, like the rest of us. Many times you will ponder selling the offending item on Ebay, only to recant, based on the fact that in a year or so the fist will momentarily retract, reach around and begin providing some genuine reciprocation. Soon enough, it’ll be back, behind, though.

There are cheaper alternatives out there

Consequently, your Wii will resume its primary function, as a four dimensional dust storage surface – travelling through space and time with you to archive only the most important airborne matter. At this task it is tremendous. It’s white, afterall. White is the most forgiving of all colours. If you don’t believe me, jizz on your Wii.  Jizz on your parents Wii, they will never notice!

My Semen Covered Wii

So, in summary, if you like getting ripped off or jizzing on things, undetected.  The Wii is for you.   Also, a special mention to all the lazy, overweight people who don’t have the heart to just get on a treadmill like the rest of us.  The Wii is for you!  It’ll make you feel like you’ve really staved off that “little voice in the head” for at least a month!

Beware of the new range of colours. Semen will be detected.